It’s a great day out for kids, along forest trails there are several ‘theme’ houses – the witch’s house, Snow White’s house (complete with seven mini-beds).  Somewhere up in the canopy there’s also a famiy of howler monkeys, keep looking up and you’ll see them.

From PoA go to the end of Avenida Ipiranga, then follow the signs for Viamão on the RS040, keep on this road.  About ten mins the other side of Viamão you go through a toll gate (cost about 1.30 britquid) after the toll gate pay attention to the bus stops on the right, they are numbered, another 15 minutes or so and you’ll reach number 90, here turn right onto a dirt road and go on for about 2.5miles (4km) there you’ll find the entrance to the Enchanted Forest.  Okay maybe you won’t recognise it because it’s in Portuguese – Floresta Encantada Vô Rangel.

Have a nice time!

Barbie in PoA is big.  Barbie restaurants, churrascarias, serve espeto corrido, which means something like “running spit”, you pay one price, 3 – 6 britquid, depending on the quality, and stuff yerself, if you’re a veggie, don’t go (though they usually have a good selection of salads).  The spits come around (they don’t run by the way) and keep serving until you wave a white flag or explode.  There are a couple of touristy churrascarias in town, good meat, gaúcho folk dancing, HIGH price.

Alternatively come to my place, good meat, good conversation, sunset view.  After a few beers I can zing up a Gaúcho folk dance or two, Irish jigs are my fave though, but for that I need Guinness.  Reasonable price.  Let’s say 4 britquid per person.  Sunsets are best ‘coz during the day it’s blasted hot.

After a slab or two of beer we

Do not go gentle into that good night

Yes motels are for SEX, the rooms have jacuzzis, round beds, small fridge with drinks (though I recommend take yer own, it’s cheaper), mirrors all round and on the ceiling and big tv with porn channel. Some of them even have some kind of wierd multi-gym type contraption for tying people up in various possitions if that’s yer ilk. The motels offer a variety of suites from very basic, with no hot tub, to more elaborate with mini heated swimming pool and solarium for exposing yer naked flesh to harmful rays. Prices of the motels vary and prices of the suite vary depending if you want to soak in a hot tub after or before a good shag or whether you just want a good shag with no frills attached (frills can be itchy sometimes)

Here are some good ones in PoA:

The Sherwood: won’t find Robin Hood lurking here but the hot tubs are HOT and the beds are round.

Athenas: Take yer toga and a few friends, this one advertises a “Top Suite, for up to 15 people” YEEHAR!

Botafogo: Quite literally means “set on fire”

Ooooooh I could just go on forever.  There are loads, just AVOYYYYD the grubby ones.  How do you know a grubby one?  Well, it’s kind of like, grubby you know.

If you’re coming AFAR speak no Portuguese, check out my services.

Come to Porto Alegre and watch famous people speak!

Pick you up from the airport or central bus station or guide you in by road if arriving by motorcycle, bicycle, pogo-stick or Space Hopper;

Book hotel / hostel or accommodation according to requirements;

Conduct short city tours and / or longer excursions to areas within a few hours drive of the city (beaches, mountain area, canyons);

Accompany / interpret during business or social meetings in the city or nearby;

Translations and Portuguese-for-getting-around classes;

Do a genuine Gaúcho barbecue on the terrace of my humble apartment.

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‘Tiz perhaps a vain attempt by the local council to keep people in the City during the Summer months, as the average Porto Alegrian with a wee bit of money and sense gets the figgin’s outa here and heads for them thar beaches. SO IN FACT it makes it the best time to visit PoA! NO traffic jams, NO crowded Shlopping Centres (Horrible Places at the best of times anyway). ON T’Other hand the weather can be a slight pisser as it tends towards a zillion centigrade with The Deluge every four or five days or so. Nothing that a chilled Fine Brazilian Ale cannot cope with.

The Sea Breezes are not without their appeals too, the nearest beaches being an hour or so’s drive and the nearest GOOD beaches being 5 hours or so’s drive. Take the BR116 and BR101, drive North from PoA for about 6 hours and you’ll come across a good beach. Take an ice box full of beer.

AVOYYYYD Moinhos de Vento unless you got LOADSA DOSH and / or a BMW, you won’t be allowed in with your pogo-stick or Space Hopper, and best leave the rucksack in the hostel. Oh, if yer a biker, Harleys are quite acceptable but they don’t take to kindly to oily greasy jeans. Corporate Management bikers are fine, the Hairy Arsed variety NOT, (though I believe that Corporate Managers also have Hairy Arses)

Still got a few weeks yet though, don’t panic.

Given limited funds, buy: Heineken, Bavaria Premium or Polar. Bottles only.

AVOYYYD : Antartica, Brahma, Kaiser, Schincariol. In all forms. Do not be fooled by the advertizing of beautiful girls in bikinis, these beers taste like the piss of someone who has had a lifetime diet of cabbages.

Gasômetro, large ugly building now used as “culture space”, has an expansive terrace upa de stairs for viewing the sun gently slipping over the hills behind the lake. They did a pretty dumb thing though, they put the bar on the wrong side. From the bar terrace you see: a busy road, some high rise apartment blocks, bums living under the monorail.

Floating Bar, next to the Gasô, this is basically a double decked floating platform with a bar. It has the potential to be something really nice, but it’s actually quite dirty, neglected and well…. just CRAP.

Beira Rio promenade, long walk starting from the Gasô, take deck chairs and cool box. Occasionally nearer town you’ll come across someone selling cold drinks from an ice box. A little further on you’ll find a wonderfully expensive barbecue restaurant owned by two tacky country music singers, I’m not sure if they have a deck to observe the SS, I can’t afford to go there.

Ipanema promenade, out of town, a few miles to the south. Don’t hitchhike. Lots of bars along the river front here, sunset views usually attract lots of people so arrive early to get the best seats.

My terrace. Buy a slab or two of GOOD beer and a piece of dead bovine creature and come on over, I’ll barbie it for us.